Helen Grant - Ghostwriter

I am a nomad. There, I said it. I could live in so many places, all at once. I get confused by the volume of choice. Life would be so much easier if earth was the only place we could live, and there were no countries, cities, towns and villages.

Choice is good but I hate it because it confuses me. Where do I go when I want to be everywhere? And of course, I have children to consider, who are the most important thing, so whatever decision I make has to be what is best for them.

I don’t necessarily think staying in one place is best for kids. Good for friendships, yes, and extended family, but not necessarily for broadening horizons, exploring culture and history and geography, and teaching kids that there’s a big wide world out there begging to be explored.

So, I won’t feel guilty for moving my kids about. As long as they get a decent education, stay in touch with friends from wherever they’ve touched based, and stay in one place long enough to learn something from that place, I’ll know I’ve done my job.

I stayed in one place my whole childhood and it gave me a sense of security and upbringing (I thank my parents for that) but it left me with a yearning to explore the world. Kids feel safe when they are loved by their parents. As for whether to roam or not to roam, there is no right or wrong way, and thank God for that.

I’ve watched the events of recent months with a heavy heart. Knife killings, drunken violence, random shootings, slaughter in American colleges, terrorism, street wars, and the increasing unruliness in schools. A few nights ago, I watched a documentary about British nightlife with a mixture of shock and disbelief. Have we really progressed that much since the days of William the Conquerer?

Walk down any street in the heart of British clubland on a Saturday night, or the neigbourhood of a sink estate or ghetto, and you’d be forgiven for thinking you’d travelled back a thousand years. Uncivilised is an understatement. But is it a surprise when nine times out of ten those involved have been dragged up in a chaotic environment by undisciplined parents?

A child who is not taught (by example) the importance of manners, courtesy, restraint and kindness, will grow into a person who lacks the ability to think beyond himself. There are exceptions, but habits and attitudes passed down through generations are hard to break. Children raised by unmoral parents are frequently devoid of compassion towards others, and have no self esteem or dignity.

We can delude ourselves by blaming societies problems on governments, and to a certain degree they are responsible - by failing to tackle the obvious cause. Everyone has a right to give birth, but not everyone is cut out for parenting. As long as there are people with a ‘do as I say not as I do’ mentality, and well-raised kids continue to be schooled alongside the influence of deliquents, the world’s mental wellbeing will continue to decline.

But having said all that, anyone can break the mould, and people do. That is something that must be encouraged. Some of the most successful people in the world came from hard backgrounds. Good family or not, we are not our parents. Every one of us is individual and human, and has the power to be what we want to be. We are born via our parents, not for them.

Just as there is a reason for everything, there is a solution too. Often it is right under our nose, something so obvious we fail to see it. In tough times, if we pray hard enough there will always be light after dark. We can start by acknowledging our own failings, and banding together to pray for an answer.

What a lovely day we had. We took the car for a drive down to a quiet spot by the sea that is home to a cluster of colourful boats and seaweed, and squawking seagulls. The play park was less busy than usual, so I joined in the fun, clambering about on the swings and climbing frame. 

After goofy time, we wandered down to the beach and threw pebbles in the water, competing to see who could throw the farthest. Of course, the children won, and we had a stop-what-you’re-doing-and-freeze moment when Callum picked up a huge rock and took aim. 

There was a child’s dress on the sand, old fashioned and elegant, like those dresses you see children wearing in vintage photographs. It was strange to see something so pretty lying there, damp and torn and covered in sand, but fun to imagine the story behind it. It was washed away when the tide came in, but for that short time we wondered what houses and children it had belonged to before it found itself nestled among seaweed on a tiny beach. Every dress has a history.

Anyway, after throwing pebbles and getting our feet wet and tangled among the seaweed, we foraged around for snail shells and unusual looking stones, and kicked a ball. Callum and Abigail were curious to know where snails go when they leave their shells, so I told them a little story birds and angels.

They stared at me doey-eyed, nodding their heads and listening intently, and then they did an unusual thing; they agreed to leave the beach. Now, anyone who knows my children knows they don’t willingly leave anywhere, so my story must have been so authentic it put them into a trance. Okay, it was probably the promise of ice-cream, but it was an awesome story. Beg me enough and I’ll post it on here sometime.

All in all, it was a blisteringly hot day, and we caught some sun, but arrived home tired and happy. Bring on more days like today.

This news item appeared in the Sunday Independent in August 1998. I was asked for my opinion as I was campaigning for single parents.

Westcountry children living with just one parent are more likely to be sexually or physically abused, according to a shock new Government report.

Children living with a mum and her boyfriend were 33 times more at risk than those in two parent households, says the report on behalf of the Lords and Commons Family and Child Protection Group.

The findings come just a week after the Sunday Independent reported the case of Philip Martin, the four year old beaten to death by his mother’s boyfriend.

But Helen Grant (Mackie back then), of Plymouth Gingerbread, a support group for single parent families, said the Government was often too quick to focus on the negative side of lone parents and step-families.

“The Government seems to want to promote the idea of the ‘normal’ family with 2.4 children, but there is no such thing as a normal these days”.

She said every case needed to be judged indvidually and there were no reasons why a child could not be happy living with one parent.

“A child can sometimes be a lot happier with a step family than with natural parents. Two parents arguing all the time is very distressing for a child.”

But one former child abuse victim, Roy Blackmore, 66, of Taunton, agreed with the findings and called for more to be done to protect youngsters. He said: “I am sure there are many who say they have taken to their step-child and love them as their own, but it appears the large majority of children are at risk”.

Another one I did earlier - 10 years ago as part of a single parent campaign. This news item appeared in the Plymouth Evening Herald on Tuesday September 8th 1998.

The gingerbread men might not be edible but they are set to brighten up a Plymouth hospital ward. Kiddiecare Nursery, based on North Street, Plymouth, held the first of three planned art workshop days to raise money for Woodcock Children’s Ward at Derriford Hospital.

Using their own ideas, children helped put together four paper gingerbread men, to represent the different seasons in the year. With paint, card, plastic and cloth, they designed the four figures which are to hang on ward walls and will be presented to the hospital on September 16th, along with a cheque.

Helen Grant (Mackie back then), 24, who runs the event, felt the success of the initial workshop would guarantee two future workshops to be held in forthcoming holidays - one at half-term and one at Christmas. She said “the aim of the workshops is to encourage children to work and play together. Each of the workhops will have a different theme, so the kids can explore different backgrounds. Letting children come up with their own ideas and use their imagination is very important.”

Here’s one I did earlier - like 10 years earlier! This news item was published in the Plymouth Extra newspaper on Wednesday July 15th 1998.

Plymouth’s Helen Grant (Mackie back then) is doing her bit to change the image of single parents - by setting up an art workshop for children during their summer holidays. The new venture, she hopes, will help promote creative freedom for children.

Helen, 24, is a single mother with a strong artistic streak who is out to change what she describes as “the ill-conceived public opinion of single parents being a burden on the tax payer and government.

“The government and the general public often take the view that single parents are just out for what they can get, but that’s completely unfair. It’s not always the case; the problem is usually down to the circumstances in which they find themselves.”

She is acutely aware of the problems facing people like her and is anxious to help. Helen, who has a four year old daughter Louise, is planning to combine her concern for single parents and her desire to encourage children to take an interest in art in the workshop held in Kiddicare Nursery in North Street.

It will entail a group of 15 children creating four large gingerbread men laden with imagery from the four seasons, which, when complete, will be presented to the children’s wards at Derriford Hospital to decorate the walls. All profits made from the workshop will go to charity, but Helen is primarily concerned with the educational benefit of her scheme.

She believes that the process of creating art should improve the children’s social skills, freedom of expression and relationships with their parents. Helen thinks parents should “sit with their child for an hour or so each day and show an interest in their art work”.

On a national scale, Helen believes that, although the tides may be turning, single parents still face huge problems without support or aid from the government. She believes that more creches and nurseries are needed to help single parents haul themselves out of the vicious trap they often find themselves in.

They need the income of a job but have to spend a large majority of what they earn on child care. “Single parents often find staying on income support financially better,” she says.

Helen, who hopes to study creative arts at university next year, has established an internet page entitled Plymouth Parent about her project, with advice about adult education for parents wanting to gain more qualifications. She is appealing for any old, unwanted or surplus art materials for use in her workshop, which runs on Saturday August 22 from 10.30am to 1pm. Admission is £1.50 per child and parents are invited to join in with the activities.

With a little practice and patience you can discover what goes on when your child is sleeping

The chances are your child had a dream last night, but ask her what it was about and she’ll probably tell you she can’t remember. However, trying to understand her dreams can give you a clue to her daytime anxieties.

There are four stages of sleep:

STAGE ONE is light. This is when dreams tend to begin.
STAGE TWO is dream or rapid eye movement (REM) sleep.
STAGE THREE is very deep.
STAGE FOUR is light again.

This cycle lasts approximately 80 to 90 minutes and repeats itself throughout the night. Dreams occur during stage two or REM sleep. This is the phase of sleep when the eyes dart about when closed, as if scanning a picture beneath the lids.

Laura Galbraith, Clinical Psychologist for Fife Health Care Trust, says: “There’s evidence to suggest that even a foetus has REM sleep, though what about we’re still not certain.”

For obvious reasons, it’s difficult to interpret a newborn baby’s dreams, although you may have seen her suckling in her sleep and had a pretty good idea what she’s dreaming about! Babies from newborn to a year old, sleep an average of 15 in every 24 hours. Half of that is REM sleep. The amount of time she spends asleep will gradually decrease. In adulthood, studies show that dreams take up approximately 20% of our total time asleep.

Experts believe that toddler’s dreams are triggered by an event within the last 24 hours, focusing on play, leisure activities, familiar surroundings and animals. Laura Galbraith believes dreams occur as a preparation for life: “The dreams your child has can be a rehearsal for everyday life,” she says.

Child Psychologist, Dr Olwen Wilson, of The Royal Surrey County Hospital, explains: “I believe in the ‘filing cabinet’ theory. For example, if a child has a quarrel at nursery that causes anxiety, when she goes to sleep her subconscious may sift through the cabinet and find a dragon to dream about. The dragon is really an image representing her anxiety.”

To try to understand your child’s dreams, and perhaps gain an insight into her emotional world, you need to study a series of them to find common factors. If the dreams reveal a pattern in which she appears to be anxious about a situation or event, such as starting nursery, you can build on that insight by talking through the anxieties. Buy a book about starting nursery and read it together. Whatever the outcome, remember to point out that a dream is just that - it’s not real. Remind her the real fun starts when she gets out of bed!

Keep a record of your toddler’s dreams. Buy a notebook and draw a line down the middle of each page. Head the first column ‘dream’ and the second ‘mood’, and note the date at the top. In the morning, ask her what she dreamt about. She won’t be able to give a detailed answer, probably just a few words, but that’s fine. Jot it down in the dream column and then, in the evening, use the mood column to note her temperament that day. She may have been particularly withdrawn or excitable.

Do this for a month, then look back over the pages and reflect. There may be recurring patterns. For example, when she was happy she dreamt about cats. Get to know the recurring subjects, analyse them and link them to a particular emotion.

Dorothy Einon, child development expert, believes nightmares are due to underlying factors: “Worry, fear or insecurity can trigger bad dreams. Situations like starting playschool or conflict within the family can cause anxiety. Children can be sensitive.”

Bad dreams can also be triggered by external influences - action packed television programmes, for example.

Dr Wilson advises not to wake her during a nightmare as this can ’set’ the dream in her mind. “It’s quite normal to have a few bad dreams a month. It’s the mind’s way of preparing her for everyday life. However, if the nightmares are occurring frequently, it may indicate a deep-seated fear or worry. Try to find out if there’s anything bothering her.”

If she does wake up tearful during the night, comfort her and stay until she’s settled. “The less you talk about the nightmare, the less likely she’ll remember it,” says Laura Galbraith, “It can help if you change the situation. Take her to the toilet or for a glass of milk.”

If she remembers the dream the next day, encourage her to talk about it. Dorothy Einon adds, “If the dream was about ferocious dogs, read her a story about dogs. It’s about confronting fears, bringing them out in the open.”

If your child suffers persistently from nightmares, a drop of lavender oil on her pillow May help: “Lavender is a relaxant,” says aromatherapy teacher, Jenny Chilton, “The usual dose for adults is one to three drops. But for a baby or toddler, never use more than a drop.” Essential oils are unsuitable for children under one or during the first twelve weeks of pregnancy.

Sleepwalking occurs during the REM phase. If you find your child wandering about in a daze, Dorothy Einon advises not to wake her, “The old wifeís tale that says waking a sleepwalking child will harm or shock her is absolute rubbish. It would be no different to waking suddenly from a deep sleep in bed. However, It’s still kinder to steer her gently back to bed.”

If sleepwalking is a common occurance, be sure to take safety precautions, such as closing the stair gate at night.

SETTLING HER TO SLEEP

For a peaceful night’s sleep, your child needs:

Comfort - When you put her down for the night, check she isn’t hungry, thirsty, too hot or cold, in pain or feeling unwell. Check the room temperature. If it’s stuffy, leave a window that’s out of reach slightly ajar.
Security - If she’s afraid of the dark, a night-light or comfort blanket can help.
Contentment - Help her to relax with a warm bath and a gentle story before bedtime.

FINDING OUT

1. Wait until she’s fully awake before asking what she dreamt about.
2. Ask in a calm manner and be satisfied with a short response.
3. Try to find the link between the dream and a recent event.
4. Certain themes can represent an emotion ‚ listen out for them.
5. The main subject of a dream can represent the fulfilment of a wish.

” LAVENDER OIL HELPED MY TODDLER”

Carol Lamerton, 23, is mum to Ricky, three. They live in Plymouth.

“Ricky has always loved his sleep. He goes to bed at 8 and when he wakes at 7am he plays happily in his bedroom until breakfast. However, when he was about two, his sleep became quite disturbed. On a number of occasions, he woke crying from a bad dream. It was around the time he had started playschool and my Health Visitor put it down to anxiety. I’m a big fan of aromatherapy and found that a drop of lavender oil on his pillow helped him relax. He hasnít had a nightmare since!”

This article was published in the June 1998 issue of Mother & Baby magazine.